Art, Intercession, music

My Wrestling Match is Prayer

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Don’t know why, but call it whimsy. Maybe reading and pondering Mike Scott’s book this morning, (“Adventures of a Waterboy”), brought me courage to share a common battle of an artist, or an intercessor? On the one hand, being assured one has something good, meaningful, and necessary to say or contribute to the human race, and having moments of uttermost uncertainty that confuse like the overcast winter skies of Minnesota; all is grey, so where am I, who am I to think I have answers, am I snow-blind ?

12-7-11 Wednesday
Lord, Tonight I’m searching these questions: “Who is my audience?” and “What is my message?”
I can make rational decisions about ‘to whom’ am I sent based on history, interest, etc. However, I don’t know if I’ve ever put the question directly to You ; “Who is my audience?”
I want to believe that You are my first and greatest audience regardless of how often I forget that I am living free because of You. I am really beginning to believe that being loved by Your INFINITY is superior to any and all mechanisms or relationships I have, would, or will devise to gain a sense of acceptance.
I’ve pursued You in a religious way, imposing the shortcomings of my dad, LeRoy, on You. I’ve pursued You with a sense that You are an unpleasable father, and therefore, I must be an unacceptable son. I’ve imposed the manipulations that were prevalent in my relationship with my dad on You. “Dad, if I martyr myself enough, try hard enough, will You speak peace to me? Will You be pleased with the shape and content of my life?” Or “Father God, will You send me relief? I need an answer to my anxious questions that have been building for decades. If I humble myself in prayer and fasting for a day, a week, a month or longer, will I be able to see and hear and know You then?”
I wrestle at times at the vanity of this project. Who am I to think that I can call on the omnipresent nature of God? Who am I to think that simply and specifically acknowledging the separations, sins, broken relationships of my forbearers before You will change things in the present, and future generations? Is this my idea, or Your idea?
Jesus, You knew that You were sent to the children of Israel. Paul knew he was sent to the Jews first, and the Gentiles second. What about me? Right now, I spend the most time with room sets, walls, props, and furniture for photo shoots, not people. I don’t get it. Help my unbelief!
It is easier that You have planted themes into my life:
“Wash the inside of the cup, and the outside will also become clean…”
“Every pot and dish will be HOLY TO THE LORD…”
“Love your enemy…”
What I don’t get is this: how do I pursue these life themes in the context of a family? Do I make money in unrelated work, and follow these passions on the side? I’ve tried that for years with varying results, but have felt constantly torn between undesirable outcomes:

-taking time and attention from my family (disappointing family)
-being chronically half-hearted, lacking courage (disappointing myself)
-feeling unfaithful, distrustful of You and Your abilities to provide the practical needs of my family (disappointing You)
All this being said, I believe in the GOODNESS of Your character! I believe that I am a child of the Most High! I believe that the covenant given to Abram, and fulfilled by Jesus, has been passed down to me. Even me?! (And to whomever will receive their reception in You.)
Overcome the idols of my life! Overcome my fears! Overcome the rebellion in my heart! If these choices are mine, confirm it to me! Cause me to choose wisely! If these decisions are Yours, let me hear again and again and again Your thoughts. Good night!
Isaiah 42:17 “…Those who trust in idols will be turned back in utter shame.”
Psalms 8:2-8 “From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise…

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